


In Excelsis

by yourbuttervoicedbeau (kiwiana)



Series: Songs from the Jukebox [Prompt Fills] [67]
Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: ...I guess?, Epistolary, Jukebox Prompt, M/M, Patrick/spreadsheets is the true OTP, Pre-Relationship, Prompt Fill, Spreadsheets, the inherent eroticism of well-crafted spreadsheets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:02:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28602642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiwiana/pseuds/yourbuttervoicedbeau
Summary: Patrick embarks on his solo anal training journey.There's a spreadsheet.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Series: Songs from the Jukebox [Prompt Fills] [67]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1775569
Comments: 72
Kudos: 132





	In Excelsis

**Author's Note:**

  * For [EggplantSalad](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EggplantSalad/gifts).



> EggplantSalad asked for "the week after he meets David, an ever-practical (and optimistic!) Patrick embarks on his solo anal training journey in the most hilariously efficient, goal-oriented, chart-based way possible." This is not a fic. This is sheer ridiculousness thanks to [this fabulous skin](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22173367). (I recommend reading horizontally if you're on mobile!)
> 
> A lot of this was crowd sourced, but unfortunately I have no one to blame but myself for the title.

| A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H  
---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---  
1 | Item | Purchase Date | Price | Ease of use /5 | Orgasm /5 | Volume /5 | Average /5 | Notes  
2 | Silicone Anal Trainer Kit (1) | 21-APR-2016 | $72.95 | 4 | 3 | 5 | 4 | Went in easily, smaller than I expected.  
3 | Silicone Anal Trainer Kit (2) | 4 | 4 | 5 | 4.33 | Apparently if you clench down it makes it better.  
4 | Silicone Anal Trainer Kit (3) | 3.5 | 4.5 | 5 | 4.33 | Oh... THAT'S what we're aiming for.  
5 | Silicone Anal Stud | 15-MAY-2016 | $43.95 | 4 | 5 | 4 | 4.33 | Huge fan of the suction cup. Check Ray's schedule before using.  
6 | Vibrating Waterproof Anal Probe - Silver | 15-MAY-2016 | $24.95 | 2 | 5 | 3 | 3.33 | Ease of use score to be revised after I buy a non-slip mat for the shower.  
7 | Silicone Beaded Anal Chain - Black | 15-MAY-2016 | $21.95 | 3 | 5 | 4 | 4 | Why does it look like a Beyblade????  
8 | Prop P-Spot Massager - Black | 04-JUN-2016 | $97.95 | 4 | 5 | 3 | 4 | Volume rating is not for the toy itself.  
9 | Anal Fantasy Collection Vibrating Thruster - Black | 04-JUN-2016 | $129.95 | 5 | 5 | 2 | 4 | Holy Jesus fuck I don't think I've ever come so hard. Definitely can only use this when home on my own.  
10 | Fantasy C-Ringz Ultimate Ass-Gasm - Black | 04-JUN-2016 | $82.95 | 4 | 5 | 4 | 4.33 | Terrible name, incredible toy. Can only imagine what this would be like with a partner.  
11 | Tantus Uncut #1 - cream | 26-JUN-2016 | $179.95 | 4 | 5 | 5 | =AVERAGE(D11:F11)

| Realistic? Time to find out.  
  
**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Come and find me on [Tumblr](http://yourbuttervoicedbeau.tumblr.com/).


End file.
